Rebirth

It’s been quite some time, and to be honest I’m not sure how smoothly this will go. I’m rough around the edges and peeling at the core.

Back here in Massachusetts permanently.. well not so much but for the time being it feels that way. I came back here with hopes of happiness and recovering from a deep depression I had found myself in. Peace came but things have not been as easy as I had hoped. The friends I shared my child hood with have fallen off one by one. Due to controversy of differences.. drugs.. pride.. and pure stubbornness. As much as it has been a hard ordeal for me it has also been a growing experience. I am stunned sometimes at how positive I am about things. How I can sit here in this state and say I have ONE true friend left here and still find some way to see the meaning in it all. I believe that God has a plan for me even if I have failed to sit down and listen to him for some time. I believe that my so called friends who have drifted out of my life were taken away because they were not going to benefit me in my future and the life He has planned for me. Why he saves me constantly and loves me unconditionally I will never be able to understand.. I mean come on, if I were him I would of dropped me years ago… maybe when I had promised to live a life devoted to him.. and failed. Yes, I think that is when I would have walked away… but… I am not nearly as forgiving and understanding as He is… Can I get an Amen?

I came here with a goal of rebuilding my relationship with my family. I came here to be with my father. I came here to become a full time college student.. but most importantly I came here to put myself back together.. so .. as hard as it has been.. I made my bed and I am not afraid to lay in it.

After 10 years of believing and truly thinking I KNEW I wanted to “grow up” and be a psychologist…. I changed my mind. Can you believe that!? Ten years KNOWING something and then one simple car ride home and just a small though in my head my entire KNOWING MY FUTURE.. changed.

About a month ago I went and saw my 9^th grade highschool English teacher.. who I owe this entire discovery too. When I was standing in my old class room talking to her about how life had changed so much since that last time I sat in that room 10 years ago she abruptly interrupted me and asked me “Sarah! Are you still writing!?” .. I stood there in silence and looked to the ground in shame and sadly said.. “No, not really anymore.” She then continued to tell me that I needed to keep writing, I have a gift and she will never forget the things I wrote while in her class. It was nice and felt good to be complimented in such a way…. So this leads to my change of heart as to where I want to go with my life. I’m going to be a Journalist. I’m going to write… Even now while sitting here on this floor, in my small but homey room I feel good.. Definition : morally excellent; virtuous; righteous. Yes, I feel good.

I am in the process of rebuilding myself. 9 months ago I fell apart and now I’m slowly finding myself and doing it all on my own. It is the most intense experience of my life… but I believe deep down in my soul, the core of my being … that everything will be just fine. I will be just fine.