She was the most vibrant person I had ever met. She was insanely crazy don’t get me wrong, and most of my memories with her were ones of us most likely breaking some kind of law. She only hurt me greatly one time in my life.. and I held a strong grudge for a few months.. but I loved her and I saw the good in her. I knew that she wasn’t like me in that area of life but she fulfilled so many others. 10 years of friendship, of laughter and tears, intense and over the top memories, … all put to rest, sealed in a box, in the farthest corner of my closet. She, who once shared my memories is now a memory herself.
I knew that when I left this beautiful and cruel state (Massachusetts) six years ago those things would change. I knew that when I was packing my apartment in record time and stuffing only the necessities and irreplaceable belongings into my two door Ford Focus ready to embark on another chapter of my life that when I arrived back here to start this new road.. She would most likely not be the same. I never once though imagined I would actually have to completely cut her out of my life.
It seems this has been happening a lot in the last 7 months I have been back.. as you gathered from my last blog. Friends I have spent my greatest years with have all one by one exited my life. I do not place all of the blame on them. Indeed, I have had my share in the destruction of meaningful relationships in my life. But her.. Her? She was the one I knew .. or thought I knew would always be in my life. She was tough, she was strong, she was quick with words and always ready to have a good time. She introduced me to the greatest years of my life. She showed me how to have fun, I experienced most of my firsts with her by my side. First girl I ever got drunk with. First girl I skipped school with, First girl to lie for the sake of saving me from the wrath of my father and step mom. Would you like me to keep going? It could take awhile… so lets not.
I don’t want to really explain and elaborate on WHY we are no longer speaking.. the story could take ages and I could write about how much is sucks for eternity.
I know that when I came back here.. when I was about 20 minutes from my new home with my father the tears came pouring down.. because somewhere deep down inside my gut I knew I shouldn’t of left Ohio. BUT I did. I left. And as I have said and will say for a long time “I made my bed so Im gonna lay in it.” If God did not plan this for my future it does not for one second mean he is going to abandon me. He is still here and still carefully and strategically sorting out things in my life whether I see it clearly or not. I believe that as much as it sucks and hurts.. some of these unbelievably important people in my life who have disappeared one by one is for me to succeed here. Its not easy because I made it hard myself. I made a quick and sad decision due to the emptiness in my heart. When I should of stuck it out and saw through it. If the future God has planned for me, means I have to live here with no friends then so be it. I am not afraid to embark on this journey.. I am not afraid of recreating myself and I am definitely not afraid of goodbyes. My love for Her and everyone else has not changed. I am eternally grateful for the person I became because of them, for the memories they filled my photo albums with. Now it is time to move forward on a new journey… Accompanied by them or not I refuse to slow down and be brought down by the obstacles I am facing. God has made this extra hard for me *lol*.. but he knows I can do this. I can do anything..anything through Christ who strengthens me…. Correct.
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