He Ran After Me ....

Okay so to update you I ended up agreeing to go out with the man I was talking to about it in my prior blog from this afternoon. The night started off fine, we had a few drinks, watched a movie, went and picked up some boneless wings and then went back to his house and watched another movie.

In this time he made me laugh.. a lot. I didn’t think that would be possible since after our first date I thought he was somewhat.. well not someone that could make me laugh. Not to sound harsh but maybe he was nervous the first time and that over shadowed any funniness that could of come out. Wow I sound like an ass… (blame it on the alcohol as Jamie Foxx and T-Pain would say). Anyways, there was a point where he actually was walking and moved a branch and it hit me in the nose,.. great story huh? Well I start laughing, because let’s be honest I am pretty much made of steal and nothing hurts me … yeah right. I tell him what he does and we dramatically make it into this intense scene as I lift my nose up and pretend its bleeding he squeezes the top and starts rushing me to the door to “save me”. We laughed and laughed. We had great conversations and I told him a little bit about my family background and not once did he make me feel awkward about it. We ran into an old friend of mine while waiting for our food and that alone helped him to see the side of me that is loud and is social with people.. which has to be done because I can be pretty shy. We drove around a bit and I showed him where I grew up and he didn’t seem to mind any of my boring stories that I seem to tell all the time.

Around 1:30 am I decide it’s time to start heading home, mind you he has to wake up at about 630 am for work. He walks me to the door and gives me a hug, he then stands there for a few seconds almost hesitating and I can feel myself doing the same exact thing.. finally we both lean in and kiss.. I pull away and say goodbye and walk out. Bummer I think, the kiss just didn’t seem right, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t bad.. it just didn’t feel right, like something was off. We’re we to nervous? Did the drinks we had affect our kissing skills? What just happened?....

I get to the car and I’m replaying it in my head and just feeling so disappointed, I really started to like him and that happens?! I am now searching my purse for a lighter because God knows I need a cigarette after a letdown like that. I find one and turn to my window to only have a minor heartache as the man I had just kissed was standing at my window. I freak out for a few minutes and try to get my heart under control as he is laughing at me uncontrollably.. which only led to me laughing more and my heart pounding just as much. As we both settled down and could breathe normally again, I say to him

“Whats up?”

“That was lame” he says. I look at him stunned and ask him what he is talking about…

He then leans in, gently puts his hand around the back of my neck…. And kisses me. Really kisses me. An amazing kiss… and a kiss that even now as I am sitting here an hour later can still feel.

Now that,.. that was a great date.

To Date or Not to Date.. That is the Question

So a week ago I accepted an offer to go out to eat with a gentleman I had met about 5 months prior. Let’s just say for the last 4 months he has tried and tried and tried some more to convince me to go on a date with him.. in which each and every time I declined.. nicely but I still declined. Finally I agreed. I guess all the falling out with friends and since the current man aka boy I was involved with had vanished from my life also I thought.. Hell, why not!? He took me to a nice little sushi restaurant in the center of my hometown. It was nice and oh sooo delicious. We ended the night after that. Since then we have talked almost every day and he is very interested in seeing me again and getting to know me. SCORE!!! A nice guy, brought ME out to eat, has a future, and takes care of himself. Seriously.. SCORE! .. right?

So why the hell am I sitting here trying to cancel on our date tonight.. its not even that I don’t want to see him or go out with him. I DO! BUT .. I don’t? I told him I didn’t have gas, he wants to give me gas money to spend time with him.. seriously? My last attempt to cancel consisted of me telling him that I have cramps.. I told him I have cramps.. FRICKEN CRAMPS! O-M-G and I have yet to get a text back.

Oh man I seriously kill myself, who does these ridiculous things? Why am I always pushing away good guys? Give me an ass hole and I’ve got the whole thing figured out before it even begins. I know what to say, I know what to expect and I definitely know where it WILL NEVER GO. But its safe and like I said.. I know it. So why can’t I allow myself to know this one? Why can’t I try and be with a nice guy? My oh my, now I wait.. does he text back.. does he keep pursuing my contradicting indecisive bail on a dime dramatic ass. Or does he bounce.

So I guess the question isn’t really should I date him or not.. Its more of.. should he date ME or not…

About someone I use to know..

She was the most vibrant person I had ever met. She was insanely crazy don’t get me wrong, and most of my memories with her were ones of us most likely breaking some kind of law. She only hurt me greatly one time in my life.. and I held a strong grudge for a few months.. but I loved her and I saw the good in her. I knew that she wasn’t like me in that area of life but she fulfilled so many others. 10 years of friendship, of laughter and tears, intense and over the top memories, … all put to rest, sealed in a box, in the farthest corner of my closet. She, who once shared my memories is now a memory herself.

I knew that when I left this beautiful and cruel state (Massachusetts) six years ago those things would change. I knew that when I was packing my apartment in record time and stuffing only the necessities and irreplaceable belongings into my two door Ford Focus ready to embark on another chapter of my life that when I arrived back here to start this new road.. She would most likely not be the same. I never once though imagined I would actually have to completely cut her out of my life.

It seems this has been happening a lot in the last 7 months I have been back.. as you gathered from my last blog. Friends I have spent my greatest years with have all one by one exited my life. I do not place all of the blame on them. Indeed, I have had my share in the destruction of meaningful relationships in my life. But her.. Her? She was the one I knew .. or thought I knew would always be in my life. She was tough, she was strong, she was quick with words and always ready to have a good time. She introduced me to the greatest years of my life. She showed me how to have fun, I experienced most of my firsts with her by my side. First girl I ever got drunk with. First girl I skipped school with, First girl to lie for the sake of saving me from the wrath of my father and step mom. Would you like me to keep going? It could take awhile… so lets not.

I don’t want to really explain and elaborate on WHY we are no longer speaking.. the story could take ages and I could write about how much is sucks for eternity.

I know that when I came back here.. when I was about 20 minutes from my new home with my father the tears came pouring down.. because somewhere deep down inside my gut I knew I shouldn’t of left Ohio. BUT I did. I left. And as I have said and will say for a long time “I made my bed so Im gonna lay in it.” If God did not plan this for my future it does not for one second mean he is going to abandon me. He is still here and still carefully and strategically sorting out things in my life whether I see it clearly or not. I believe that as much as it sucks and hurts.. some of these unbelievably important people in my life who have disappeared one by one is for me to succeed here. Its not easy because I made it hard myself. I made a quick and sad decision due to the emptiness in my heart. When I should of stuck it out and saw through it. If the future God has planned for me, means I have to live here with no friends then so be it. I am not afraid to embark on this journey.. I am not afraid of recreating myself and I am definitely not afraid of goodbyes. My love for Her and everyone else has not changed. I am eternally grateful for the person I became because of them, for the memories they filled my photo albums with. Now it is time to move forward on a new journey… Accompanied by them or not I refuse to slow down and be brought down by the obstacles I am facing. God has made this extra hard for me *lol*.. but he knows I can do this. I can do anything..anything through Christ who strengthens me…. Correct.

Rebirth

It’s been quite some time, and to be honest I’m not sure how smoothly this will go. I’m rough around the edges and peeling at the core.

Back here in Massachusetts permanently.. well not so much but for the time being it feels that way. I came back here with hopes of happiness and recovering from a deep depression I had found myself in. Peace came but things have not been as easy as I had hoped. The friends I shared my child hood with have fallen off one by one. Due to controversy of differences.. drugs.. pride.. and pure stubbornness. As much as it has been a hard ordeal for me it has also been a growing experience. I am stunned sometimes at how positive I am about things. How I can sit here in this state and say I have ONE true friend left here and still find some way to see the meaning in it all. I believe that God has a plan for me even if I have failed to sit down and listen to him for some time. I believe that my so called friends who have drifted out of my life were taken away because they were not going to benefit me in my future and the life He has planned for me. Why he saves me constantly and loves me unconditionally I will never be able to understand.. I mean come on, if I were him I would of dropped me years ago… maybe when I had promised to live a life devoted to him.. and failed. Yes, I think that is when I would have walked away… but… I am not nearly as forgiving and understanding as He is… Can I get an Amen?

I came here with a goal of rebuilding my relationship with my family. I came here to be with my father. I came here to become a full time college student.. but most importantly I came here to put myself back together.. so .. as hard as it has been.. I made my bed and I am not afraid to lay in it.

After 10 years of believing and truly thinking I KNEW I wanted to “grow up” and be a psychologist…. I changed my mind. Can you believe that!? Ten years KNOWING something and then one simple car ride home and just a small though in my head my entire KNOWING MY FUTURE.. changed.

About a month ago I went and saw my 9^th grade highschool English teacher.. who I owe this entire discovery too. When I was standing in my old class room talking to her about how life had changed so much since that last time I sat in that room 10 years ago she abruptly interrupted me and asked me “Sarah! Are you still writing!?” .. I stood there in silence and looked to the ground in shame and sadly said.. “No, not really anymore.” She then continued to tell me that I needed to keep writing, I have a gift and she will never forget the things I wrote while in her class. It was nice and felt good to be complimented in such a way…. So this leads to my change of heart as to where I want to go with my life. I’m going to be a Journalist. I’m going to write… Even now while sitting here on this floor, in my small but homey room I feel good.. Definition : morally excellent; virtuous; righteous. Yes, I feel good.

I am in the process of rebuilding myself. 9 months ago I fell apart and now I’m slowly finding myself and doing it all on my own. It is the most intense experience of my life… but I believe deep down in my soul, the core of my being … that everything will be just fine. I will be just fine.